I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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