You're a womanizer and a bitch.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
