i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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