Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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