"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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