My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
