I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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