i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
