So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
