i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
