Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
