Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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