am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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