Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
