Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
