You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
