you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
