Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
