why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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