i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
