I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
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You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
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