today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
