you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
