I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
