Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
4 words: hood of his car
I intend to get homeless drunk
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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