I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
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My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
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He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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