I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
