Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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