I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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