rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
