I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
