I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
