So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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