OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
