my phone needs a breathalizer
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Randomize
