the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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