just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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