Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
