true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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