Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
