wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
