Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I wear drunk well.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
