My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
