you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
