I can't breathe out the right side of my face
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
