just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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