Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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