I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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