the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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