The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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