I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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