as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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