Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
