I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
