I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
