I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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